Drop These 5 False Friends And Quickly Improve Your Spanish

Drop These 5 False Friends And Quickly Improve Your Spanish

I bet this has happened to you. You’re merrily chatting away in Spanish when suddenly, the listener’s reaction tells you that you’ve either said something silly or worse, put your foot right in it! God knows how many times it’s happened to me during my time here in beautiful Barcelona, so if you’ve ever been left bemused and in red-faced embarrassment because your listener is in fits of laughter or down-right offended, then let me help you.

Here’s 5 common “false friends”, betrayers that cause all sorts of uncomfortable and embarrassing moments as they confuse, amuse and occasionally offend native speakers. I’ve had all sorts of trouble with false friends and here’s some of my best howlers to help you polish up your Spanish and give you a giggle or two as you go!

One summer evening, I was enjoying a quiet drink in one of my favorite bars when a local and his little dog sit at the table next to mine. Although strangers, we exchange pleasantries, something I love about life here. His little dog was sitting next to him and he’s patting it and making a real fuss. It’s obvious he loves his dog so ever eager to chat in Spanish I confidently say:

“Tú das mucho afección a tu perro.” - You give your dog lots of affection. Well that’s what I thought I was saying…not quite!

He gives me a puzzled look and although it took a while for me to understand his explanation as it was all in Spanish, it turns out that I’d actually said:

“You’re giving a medical condition to your dog.”

I was betrayed by a false friend - affección. The correct word is: Afecto. Affección is actually “complaint” or “condition”. Woof! Down boy!

There’s some really great places to shop here but my favorite is my local grocery store. It’s run by a lovely family who have made me feel very welcome right from my first visit. No matter how busy they are, they always find time to chat with me and and this has really helped me with my Spanish. All of them speak fluent English too! One day we’re having a good chin-wag and I’m explaining why I think it’s so important for me to speak Spanish, even though I could easily get by just speaking English as many ex-pats do.

“Creo que si se vive en España, se habla en Español. Si se vive en Inglaterra, se habla en Inglés.”

“Estoy de acuerdo hombre, es un cuestión de respeto.”

“En absoluto.”

Oskar starts laughing and says to me in English: “Why are you disagreeing with me? Oh I forgot. You’re a guiri!” And he’s chuckling away as I stood beside the ripe red tomatoes, blending in with them nicely.

Eventually he explains that “en absoluto” means “absolutely not” and not “absolutely.” A better response would’ve been “claro” or “tienes razón” or even “venga” or “vale”. Still amused he says:

“¡Debes de aprender español, bobo!” - You should learn Spanish, idiot!

I’ll refrain from sharing my reply…let’s just say it involved one finger and a well-known Spanish expletive!

This next one is a classic. My good friend Edu is going steady with a beautiful Mexican chica. I hadn’t known him for long and we’re talking about relationships and he’s telling me how much he loves her. He then says:

“Ella es muy bella, por cierto, pero también, una zorra.” - She’s very beautiful for sure, but also, a fox.

My jaw dropped and I went bright red! At this point, Señor Guiri here thought the word “zorra” had two meanings: One for a female fox, a vixen. The second is pejorative and means a woman of loose virtue, who, ahem, “enjoys the company of men” a lot!

As Edu is fluent I explained this to him in English and he said between bursts of laughter that I was right but that “zorra” also has another meaning: Cunning, astute, smart.

“Menos mal tío, ¡me diste un susto por un momento!” Oh, in such situations you aren’t “embrazada” you’re “avergonzada”. The first means “pregnant” the second “embarrassed”. I expect you already know this false friend but it’s here as a reminder for you anyway.

Here’s another cracker for you! I’d been here about 3 months and I’m talking to someone who is now a good friend of mine, Kiki, a proud Catalan. He doesn’t speak a word of English so communicating with him back then was quite difficult for me. One of the problems here - and it isn’t THAT much of a problem - is being pestered by beggars on the streets. One particular street near our local bar is notorious for them. We’re talking about this one night and Kiki says:

“Mi esposa está a las narices con los mendigos. Siempre ellos la molestan en esa calle.” - My wife is up to here with the beggars, they’re always bothering her on that street.

Except brain of Barcelona here, having not heard the verb “molestar” up to this point, puts two and two together, makes seven, and asks:

“¿Ellos la tocan sexualmente?” - They touch her sexually? Thinking that los mendigos have been molesting her. Well you would think this wouldn’t you?

But Kiki is looking at me like I’ve gone mad and by the look on his face I know I’ve said something iffy. Staring right into my eyes he says menacingly:

“¿Qué dices?”

Luckily, Wanda, the bar owner who is fluent in Spanish, Portugese and English has heard our conversation and she explains the problem to us. To my horror, it turns out that molestar doesn’t mean “to molest” it means “to bother”. Doh! This is now a standing joke with us. I’ll go in the bar and he’ll say:

“¿Te han tocado los mendigos recientemente?” - Have the beggars “touched” you recently? And I’ll say:

“No porque ¡ellos están demasiado ocupados molestando tu esposa!” - No because they’re too busy bothering your wife! You can be sure I won’t use tocar in my reply, Kiki is an amateur boxer!

Finally, a delightful “moment” for yours truly. About 6 months ago, I met a gorgeous Spanish chica, Sylvia, who I fancied like crazy! I’m trying my best to impress her by chatting her up in Spanish. I’m doing fine until she asks me what I like to do, you know, the usual stuff. I confidently reply:

“Toco la guitarra, me encanta cocinar y me gusta relajarme con compañía buena y conversación interesante. Soy sólo un tipo ordinario guapa.” - I play the guitar, I love to cook and I like to relax with good company and interesting conversation. I’m just an ordinary guy love.

She starts laughing, I’m looking like I’ve been asked to explain Quantum Physics and this just adds to her amusement! Eventually she explains:

“What kind of girl do you think I am, I would never go out with a stupid thug!”

“¿Qué?”

“Mira hombre, ordinario doesn’t mean you’re “ordinary” it means you’re a lout, a slob and a simpleton. ¡Qué burro!”

Never did get anywhere with her for some strange reason, can’t think what. Oh and if you want to say you’re just an ordinary guy or girl just use “normal” - “Soy un(a) tipo normal”. Why didn’t I think of that?

Venga, watch out for all of these betrayers, learn from my experiences and you”ll avoid being told you’re a dumb donkey by someone you had the hots for!